the deranged mind

I really don't remember when it all started, but I have finally realized that I DO need help.  Throuhgout my entire life, I've done everything I can to try to stay sane.  I think that I have finally crossed over the line.  I admit that I am a sociopath and need to be helped.  I have burned a lot of people in the past, not really knowing or caring that I did.  I finally hurt someone whom I care deeply for and it hurts me more deeply that I can imagine.  I sometimes wish that I could end it all and pull that damn trigger on myself, but I realize that it would hurt others more than it would hurt me.
Some would say that my problem stems from an over active imagination and that I can actually put myself into the situations that I tell others about.  I can make anyone believe whatever I want them to believe.  I can convince everyone but myself that I am a wonderful person.  I know that I am NOT a good person, but I am trying so damn hard to become one.  I spent about 2 hours last night crying because I knew that I fucked up royally.  I spent about an hour on the phone with my sister, trying to come to grips with what I had done.  I didn't kill anyone--but I betrayed the trust my family had in me.  I sometimes wish that I could crawl under a rock and just die.  I ache inside for what I have done.  I know that my work on this earth isn't done by a longshot, but sometimes I wonder what a cruel SOB the Maker is for making me this way.  I can't give the Maker a name other than that, because who am I to give it a name. 
This, just as my life, is a work in progress.  With time I will add to it and make it more of an insight to who and what I am.