Exorcising some demons

Had a long talk with my sister and realized that there are somethings that I've been burying about the past. I remember talking to my mom a few years ago about something my dad did to her. She talked about him pulling a gun on her years ago. Earlier this year I went to my sister's law school graduation and she told me that he had taken a shot at her with the gun. I find that completely unexcuseable for any reason. That is the main reason why I haven't talked to him is because of that. I then found out that he never wanted children in the first place.

Another thing that he did that annoys the fuck out of me is that he lived 30 minutes away from his folks and he only came to see them only once or twice a month. I spent a year and a half taking care of them and hardly ever saw him come over to visit them. He never showed any emotion for them passing away at all that I could see. Then again I finally borke down and cried for their loss after they'd been gone for over 3 months. That was how I dealt with losing some of the dearest people I'd ever known. I felt that it was my job to be the "strong" one in ght family, the one that everyone could lean on. It was a waste of non-emotion on my part.

I think that the only way I can forgive him is if he admits to what he did and gives the reasoning behind his actions.

What the fuck is wrong with women?

I'm sitting here at work, wondering why I'm still single. I meet attractive, intelligent women every now and then, but when it comes to dating them, I'm at a loss. I have little, to no problem dating the ones who don't live up to my standards. The few occasions that I do manage to get the ones who live up to these standards, I choke up. I have a nervous sweating problem. Whenever I'm nervous, I sweat like a pig (I know pigs don't sweat). I think I blew it with someone I really liked and hoped that I could have seen on a regular basis. I managed to embarrass her, but not in a "bad" way. She's intelligent, attractive, a great personality, and funny. But whenever she's around, all I do is listen to her. I've been known to talk waaay to much, but around her, all I want to do is listen to her--scary thought. I'm a nice person, non-judgemental, and very easy going. I talk a lot of crap, but when it's someone whom I like, I shut up and listen. I guess that one day I'll find someone who will appreciate me for myself. I've been told that I'm handsome and that I should have no problem finding someone. But all I ever seem to do is screw it up. I've been in love only a few times and would do anything for a few of them even to this day. I do anything for someone who could be my equal. I've only met someone like that only twice in my life. The first one still lives in Houston and I miss being able to talk to her. The other is in this same town, but won't respond to anything I send her. I think that she's afraid that I'm not how I act (nice, then turn into an asshole). Either that or she's afraid that we are too much alike. I like this woman, but I don't know what to do anymore. She said that we should get together again, but won't even respond to my friendly e-mails. I guess that I'll have to feel like it's her loss and not mine. All for now.

the deranged mind

I really don't remember when it all started, but I have finally realized that I DO need help.  Throuhgout my entire life, I've done everything I can to try to stay sane.  I think that I have finally crossed over the line.  I admit that I am a sociopath and need to be helped.  I have burned a lot of people in the past, not really knowing or caring that I did.  I finally hurt someone whom I care deeply for and it hurts me more deeply that I can imagine.  I sometimes wish that I could end it all and pull that damn trigger on myself, but I realize that it would hurt others more than it would hurt me.
Some would say that my problem stems from an over active imagination and that I can actually put myself into the situations that I tell others about.  I can make anyone believe whatever I want them to believe.  I can convince everyone but myself that I am a wonderful person.  I know that I am NOT a good person, but I am trying so damn hard to become one.  I spent about 2 hours last night crying because I knew that I fucked up royally.  I spent about an hour on the phone with my sister, trying to come to grips with what I had done.  I didn't kill anyone--but I betrayed the trust my family had in me.  I sometimes wish that I could crawl under a rock and just die.  I ache inside for what I have done.  I know that my work on this earth isn't done by a longshot, but sometimes I wonder what a cruel SOB the Maker is for making me this way.  I can't give the Maker a name other than that, because who am I to give it a name. 
This, just as my life, is a work in progress.  With time I will add to it and make it more of an insight to who and what I am.